missing

she was sitting on the bus, staring out the window as they were leaving the City, her daughter with her new-found friends a few rows behind her. she gazed out the window at the different scenes they passed by: the *artsy* restaurants with people sitting at white linened tables with candles lit, eating window-side as folks hurried past; the various storefronts decorated for the holidays. the one place that struck her the most, for whatever reason, was the organic produce place on the corner that had fresh flowers lined up in buckets outside and Christmas trees tied up in bundles, aligned in rows with everything else, leaning against makeshift stands. people were dressed in their scarves and gloves, chatting and holding hands and she thought "i love this City...God, it is so incredible...i miss him so much." the last thought speared her like an arrow.

it comes and goes in waves like that.

one minute, she is looking out a window and then out of nowhere, she would feel a pang of something unimaginable. it would stay and linger however long she allowed it and while the pang eases a bit, slowly, it never leaves her. she carries it around inside and assures herself she is doing well and fills herself with as many words from books and activities that her physcial well-being allows her. she busies herself and keeps her mind on other things so she won't be tempted to write or do anything to throw him backwards because she so pleased with his progress while she stays on a bit of a treadmill; moving forward without going anywhere.

or so it seems.

maybe God feels differently; He knows enough because He hears from her quite often these days. He, as always, remains decidedly detached and silent because He is Who is. He allows her to feel all of these things so she will arrive at the Truth on her own.

perhaps it is God she is longing for, after all.